Watering Lawns Vs. Watering People

At any given time of the day in Downtown St. Petersburg, Florida, if you walk past the Vinoy you will catch the faint sound of beautiful instrumental music. As if you’ve just walked into a spa.

Being downtown, if you walk by in the middle of the day you might just miss it due to sound polution.

As I crossed Beach Dr. walking towards The Bay at 5 am this morning though it was just me, Charlie, The Moon, Jupiter, Mars, and the music. It was perfection.

I haven’t woken up before 8 am for about a month now. At first I blamed it on the jet lag from my trip to Seattle at the beginning of June. Which rolled into me not trying to change it. Which then rolled into my not even questioning why I didn’t care when early morning before the world is awake is my favorite time of the day. I didn’t worry about it because I didn’t have any anxiety. I chalked up not having any anxiety due to my newly perfectly daily executed morning routine of breathwork.

I sat by watching the world somehow fall apart more and more every single day feeling no way possible for me to change it and yet I deemed myself peaceful because I wasn’t experiencing any anxiety.

You see I never knew depression without anxiety. So I didn’t know they were separate things, physically.

And then about a week ago is when the suicidal ideation started again. But this was different. I wasn’t imagining ways to take my life I was hoping for the world to take me out on its own. Day dreaming of being run over by a car, getting cancer, or wishing anything might happen to me that could stop me from having to care about what was happening in my life and the entire world around me.

I realize how fucked up it is to think this way. I also realize how fucked up it is that I am not the only person in the world to have thoughts like these and yet we’re not talking about just how much bigger of a problem this is.

As I walked home from my walk this morning I couldn’t help but notice how many people’s lawn were being watered after it had clearly rained last night. And it got me thinking about how willing we as a society are to pay to have our lawns watered yet cannot fathom the idea of watering other humans.

That our lawns somehow deserve water more than our fellow humans.

Usually during this time of year I will reshare my Abortion story I wrote on 4th of July in 2022, which you can find in my blog HERE, if you would like to read that.

This year feels heavier than my abortion story.

I don’t have answers here.

What I recognize though is that there are some really important conversations that need to be had. Conversations can change situations.

I am not happy about either of our candidates we have to choose from in this election. I also despise being a person that feels the need to say we have to vote for Biden again, but the way I see it is Project 2025 is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen and to risk voting third party in this election is irresponsible.

I HATE THAT I HAVE TO WRITE THIS.

I would love to vote for Jill Stein. I want to vote for Jill Stein. Now is unfortunately not the time.

I am recognizing the way I have to feel emotionally towards the United States is the same way I have to feel towards relationships in my life. Which means my expectations of how this country should be become detrimental to my mental health and yet I do need to feel the sadness in order to see things differently.

There are so many thoughts and worries that go into caring about the future of this country and the world. I realize now not that I am at peace or without anxiety, I am so depressed on a level I have never felt the hopelessness has consumed my ability to have anxiety because the constant state is of that.

I don’t want to be a hopeless person. I don’t want to lose my belief in the beauty of this world and in humanity. I am not capable of being a service to the people of this world if I off myself and the deeper depressed I become the less I am able to function which means I must take care of myself in order to be able to help take care of others.

For me that means disconnecting from the news.

That DOES NOT mean disconnecting from progress and the fight for liberation of all people.

Four years ago I spiraled so hard prior to and during election season. I was alone in a state I had never lived in before with no one I knew in the height of covid. I spiraled out of control mentally so hard I enrolled in 4 extra credits than the rest of the people in my program and was bleeding from all of my fingers and toes due to ripping the skin off of then incessantly as I watched praying that man would never be reelected again. No one understood why I was having such a hard time keeping up while my couch and bed were stained with blood and I sat dissociating and unable to move for days.

I promised myself a few months ago I would not allow myself to get to that point again this time around.

So I am catching myself before it gets too dark.

For anyone else who might be feeling the same way:

I urge you to find your local democratic office and volunteer.

I still stand for Palestine, Congo, Sudan, and the liberation of all people.

I am open to other suggestions of how I can be of service to the people of our world.

I am open to conversations of other options and how else we can move forward and create progress.

I believe these conversations are imperative.

I also believe it is imperative to find joy in any space we can when we are living in such dark and uncertain times.

These days I find my joy mainly in my queer community and mainly only digesting Rupaul’s Drag Race from the TV.

I was inspired to create my coaching community OPEN after celebrating Pride through June.

OPEN is a space for humans who are Bi/Pan/Queer and exploring their sexuality maybe for the first time, or wanting to explore what it means being a queer person in a straight presenting relationship.

It was actually during my time living in Ithaca NY that I was first introduced to polyamory and the ethical non monogomous community. Which has changed my life forever and I am eternally grateful for.

I have experienced more safety and healthy relationships within this community than anywhere else.

OPEN is not a group coaching program to open your relationship, however if that is the space you are in and ready for it can be.

I imagine people talking to their partners about joing this group, specifically hetero men, and getting real nervous about the idea of their female partners joining a group that’s trying to force them into polyamory.

That is NOT at all what OPEN is. OPEN is meant for those interested to explore their sexual identity. Strip away limiting beliefs about the guilt and shame they’ve carried so they may feel safe to be their authentic selves.

OPEN is meant as in having an open mind.

OPEN to all possibilities.

OPENing your heart to love yourself exactly the way your are and not being ashamed of it.

OPENing conversations in the relationships you already have and creating boundaries to serve your central nervous system.

OPEN is a space of community and healing for like minded people who might have felt very alone in their existence as a closeted or straight presenting person their whole lives.

It’s time to open our Gay Chakra ya’ll!

For 50% OFF the subscription, for LIFE, and more info on OPEN 

CLICK HERE

Love you all, and promise me you’ll do something nice for yourself today.

Also, water another person!