Repelling Aura

I have a repelling aura. 

I didn't need to know I was a Manifestor in order to recognize this as its a pattern I have noticed my entire life. I might not have had a word or explanation for it but I always knew and could sense when certain people did not like me. 

You know that feeling, when you're outgoing and friendly going to the same fitness class every week and the instructor remembers everyones name except for yours and to go beyond that even pretend to not know who you are every time they see you? Or that teacher that always had it out for you. You know, the people who would NEVER forget your name and try to use it against you in anyway they can if in a place of authority instead of acknowledging and commending your creative genius even if you work a little different than those around you.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how nice and friendly you are people are going to dislike you anyways.

This used to drive me absolutely BONKERS!

Like, I didn't do anything to deserve this why would they treat me this way.

The reason is, it has nothing to do with me.

Now, come along on this story ride with me as I try to make a point. I promise we will get there.

When I was in my early twenties and going to hot yoga classes for the first time I was always filled with anxiety before walking into class. I had only been able to afford the month unlimited because it was a special that month for $30 and after that would go up to $170 a month or $15-$20 per class. I could barely afford the $30 for the unlimited at the time but I had always wanted the ability to take yoga classes on a constant basis. 

At the time my workout clothing wardrobe was still predominantly my gym/sports practice clothes from high school. If I had money to spend on clothes it was not going towards workout clothes which were always too expensive and impossible to find in my size at resale shops. I am explaining this in great detail because that is how detailed my anxiety was going into these classes. I would run to my yoga studio 3 miles away because I couldn't afford a car at the time and would say things like "Oh, I just ran here, training for a half marathon, so I am wearing my running clothes instead of my yoga clothes." Weird shit like that no one even asked me about because thats how uncomfortable I was.

I was so uncomfortable in my 8 year old soccer shorts and gym T-shirts that I would say shit like that. My soccer shorts that had no stretch but had lining like a boys swim trunks that popped out the side I ever had to do a move that involved my legs spread any amount and my oversized T-shirts that would fall over my head and show I was wearing a regular bra because I could afford bras with enough elasticity to hold my boobs in place and therefore just wore what I had. 

I would sit in those classes staring at all the women whom surrounded me, decked out head to toe in Lululemon. Even their head bands and purses were Lulu! I would think to myself, 

I can't wait until the day when I can afford head to toe Lulu and unlimited memberships to yoga studios.

I was so in awe of these women who didn't have to worry about where the money would come from to pay for their next month of classes. It just would automatically come out of their bank account. Or some of them would just casually hand over their credit card to pay for the ENTIRE YEAR. Like it was the quarter at the bottom of their purse they just so happened to find while walking past a gum ball machine.

It took me a minute to come up with something I might have just casually paid for at that time. Medications? No, could barely afford those and my entire body hated having to pay for something I felt I should have just been able to have. Some days were between UTI medication to stop the pain or eating. Ya know, so food and medication weren't even items to casually pay for. 

I thought, One day I will be like these women.

I was in yoga class this morning. Ten years later. I looked to the woman on my right. Lulu, head to toe. I looked to the woman on my left. Lulu, head to toe. And I thought, I wish I looked like them. I wish I didn't have worries like them.

Then I looked at myself. Lulu, head to toe. 

I looked at my hands. Fresh new manicure. I felt the sweat drip down my forehead and into my eyes and I felt the sweat hang for a second on my eyelash extensions and felt my hair long and wild sticking down my back. 

I am these women. I also don't have any fucking clue what these women's worries are. I don't even know these women. 

There is probably a woman in this class right now who is the me I was 10 years ago looking at me and not even knowing I still see myself as who I was back then. 

Even as I stood matching amongst the women I had always longed to be like I couldn't even see myself. I most often imagine when people look at me these days that they still see 24 year old Katie in her 8 year old soccer shorts and stained up oversized tee. The girl who can't afford a car and who used her last coins from her piggy bank in a plastic bag to see a movie she hated more than anything she's ever seen just to be able to do something with her friends.

People don't see my story. 

They see the Lulu, the nails, and the eyelashes. 

And now I am that Boca Bitch I used to judge so hard although I so badly wanted the things she had.

But the real truth is that I am all the women I have ever been and continuously evolving into the next. I was laid off in January and am living off my 401k and taking a chance on myself at 100% for the first time in my life. And would like to say with certainty the money to pay for my next month of yoga will come from the courageous moves I am making now. 

Now for the point I was trying to make this entire time. Though I feel I have made quite a few along the way. The main point was in regards to people who are repelled by my aura, my loud as fuck manicure, bougie ass eye lashes and barely fitting Lululemon. I am not that Boca Bitch you think or want to label me as. And just because I am extra as fuck doesn't mean I am here to put on a show (though I do enjoy one). I am the way I am externally to make myself feel good. Not for anyone else.

I do however, get my nails done because it stops me form picking at my nails and cuticles until I bleed when I do experience anxiety from time to time. I get them done to remind myself that I love myself so I won't hurt myself. We never really know the reasons behind why people look the way they do.

I can be just as in tuned with myself, nature and the universe and have a bomb ass nail tech. All of these things can be true. I can also be soft and loving while being a strong advocate for myself and for others. And while I am being this mirror for you I would like you to recognize the girl who's even more extra than me is all of these things as well. She's probably just from Boca and not actually a bitch at all (it's possible!). So let me make this gap a lil easier to bridge, because I have a name. It's Katie. And the girl who comes after me has one as well. She deserves to be acknowledged just like everyone else too.

And to the girl in the yoga class who can't afford the Lulu:

Their clothes suck anyways. Especially if you have any curves at all. Don't waste your money once you get it, and you will get it, on this lame company that makes us all feel bad about our bodies. Go find something that extenuates those beautiful curves, not something that tries to tame them. 

Now, when I get that feeling. The feeling when I can tell someone doesn't like me or their judging me without even knowing me it's a reminder. 

I am not supposed to act in accordance with what makes them comfortable. I am supposed to- scratch that. I get to be me, and through time I get to be a person who shows them I am not who they think/want to believe I am. 

People have disliked me my entire life. I am very used to it. Instead of allowing it to drive me bonkers anymore though I allow it to make me smile, recognizing the truth. They don't actually know me yet. And even if they still don't like me once they get to know me, that's fine too. I was already used to them not liking me anyways. I have experienced this enough times to know now that some people never want to see themselves. So if I am a mirror as a Manifestor, then it is no wonder why some people don't like me.

I saw a girl in class the other day with metallic yoga clothes and I can't believe I put Lulu as my height of luxury and not a metallic flowing dress as my manifested yoga attire. Time to change that vision board. 

Let this be a lesson for all of us in judging others. Those who seem to look like they have it might not actually have it all after all and those of us who look like we might not have anything still deserve the peace of being able to do yoga without worrying what they look like. The later also might be the person who does have it all.

Your practice is for you girl. Feel your own body and don't look at anyone else. 

Keep Going